


All Cocked Up

by notmyfault (quodpersortem)



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen, Laughter, M/M, Road Trip, i don't even, mobile homes, more crack, more laughter, no srsly, not kidding you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-25
Updated: 2012-08-25
Packaged: 2017-11-12 21:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/495652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quodpersortem/pseuds/notmyfault
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's not really slash. just crack. and some more crack. to be taken with a pinch (or bucket) of salt. or: the story of the top gear uk australia trip that never happened. written for quazonic in response to one of the promps she left a post on lj ages ago</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Cocked Up

_Narrator (James May): "So then we set on about our road trip from the Sydney Opera House to Cockburn, Australia."_

-

"You don't think this dormobile is a little cramped, do you?" Richard says, looking around.

"Oh no, it is perfect," James replies, looking quite gleeful as he turns the camper, which is really more the size of a mini-van, onto the road. 

"So, do you reckon Sydney traffic is okay?" Richard asks.

"Oh I've seen worse in Tokio and Bangladesh and-" James says. "Oh, _cock_."

-

 **MUCH LATER** appears on the screen, after a shot of a seemingly endless traffic jam.

 _Narrator (James May): "Okay, then_ finally _we were out in the open."_

-

"So, this is Australia," James says, leaning back in his chair. Richard is sitting at the steering wheel, peering across the stretched fields of... well, _sand._

"Yes." Richard nods. "Bare fields. Of sand. And then some more sand. The occasional tumble weeds, and your mouth next to me blabbering away."

"Oh shut it," May laughs and relaxes a little further. 

-

The camper van is seen driving into the distance, followed by a shot of the desert turning dark. The scene cuts to James and Richard, both in the camper, which has been parked near a farm.

-

"I do hope that cock won't wake us tonight," Richard says, staring at the ceiling.

"What cock?" James replies, probably staring at the same spot. "I didn't see a cock." 

"The one on the farm!" Richard responds in his shrill voice which he only ever uses when he is fed up with the naivety of his Top Gear co-hosts.

"The only cock that might wake me up, is _yours_ ," James hiccups, as he tries to hide his laughter from Hammond.

"What! No, James-" 

-

The screen fades to darkness while the two men are still heard arguing. Then a rising sun is shown, followed by the sound of--oh yes--a live cock. The animal. Of course.

-

"Oh cock," James mumbles, covering his ears against the noise and turning around in his bed.

"Noooo tooearly," Richard throws his arms in front of the face as the sunlight falls on his face. 

James' hair is a bundle of curls and it looks in desperate need of a wash, while Richard’s looks like it is a porcupine. 

"Why on earth-" James sighs and then gets up to get dressed. Meanwhile, Richard stays in bed.

After that, James is shown to make himself breakfast, brush his teeth, go outside presumably to have a piss, and then finally he sits behind the driver's wheel.

"Richard," he calls over his shoulder, "quit playing with your cock, it is a wonderful new day!"

-

The screen fades to black again, and says **TO BE CONTINUED.**


End file.
